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This is a complete transcript of the episode Bob Zombie.

Transcript

(in the common area)

Bree: Uh, Bob? Why are you wrapped in tin foil?

Bob: It's not just tin foil. I'm also wearing three layers of pasta, tomato sauce, and cheese.

Adam: I turned him into a human lasagna pan. Forty-five minutes in the sun, and it's Bob appetit.

Leo: You know, given what I've seen of Bob's training, this might be the most productive use of him yet.

Adam: Mm, don't move. You need more oregano.

(Perry walks in)

Perry: Mm, lasagna! Got any garlic bread?

Bob: You betcha. They're strapped to my shins.

Perry: I'll be back. Save me the greasiest piece.

Leo: Hey, where are you off to, and how long can you stay there?

Perry: Your cheap father forgot to pay the trash bill. I am so sick of working for a guy who won't let me throw trash in the ocean. (blows nose on napkin and tosses it on the floor)

(Perry leaves via the hydraloop and Douglas walks in)

Douglas: Guys, check it out. This is gonna change our bionic academy forever. I found a way to replicate Chase's bionic intelligence.

Chase: What?

Douglas: Yeah. Remember how Giselle Vickers wanted to give your intelligence to all of her androids? Well, this intelligence duplicator will wirelessly add it to everyone's chip.

Bree: Wait, so you're gonna make me like him? Pass.

Douglas: Don't worry. The four of you won't be affected. Your chips are older models, and Leo doesn't have one. But if this works, all the students will be just as smart as you. I just have to find someone to test it on.

Chase: And do you really think that someone's just gonna let you randomly experiment on them?

(from across the room)

Adam: Sorry, Bob. It's getting cloudy. I'm gonna have to cook you in here with my heat vision.

Bob: Will it hurt?

Adam: Let's find out together.

Bob: Okay.

(Adam fires his heat vision at Bob)

Bob: Ooh, something's cookin'!

Douglas: Bob it is.

(theme song plays)

...

(in the Mentor's Quarters)

Adam: All right, Bob, now that we've made body lasagna, we should do something important. What do you think, CPR training, volunteer work? Ooh, got it. We should figure out how many students we can cram into the pool.

Bob: Easy. All you have to do is divide the average mass of the students by the pool's volumetric capacity.

Adam: Aah! What'd you do to my Bob?!

Douglas: Thanks to my intelligence upgrade, Bob is now as brilliant as Chase.

Bob: Yep, I'm finally the whole package.

Chase: Isn't it great? I have an intellectual peer. We've been bonding for hours about the stock market, physics, and ancient philosophies.

Bob: Although we did have that tiff about Socrates. Ah, good times.

Adam: Bob, you're scaring me. I demand you burp the entire alphabet right now.

Chase: Can you believe it? Douglas' intelligence duplicator actually worked.

Douglas: Actually?

Chase: You don't have the best track record.

Douglas: I made you, didn't I?

Adam: (picking off lasagna from Bob) Hey, look. Leftover lasagna. (eats it)

Chase: And you also made him.

...

(in the common area)

Perry: (sets down flag and hums fanfare) Welcome to the United Republic of Perryland.

Leo: I know I'm gonna regret this, but what's Perryland?

Bree: And why does this flag have a cow on it?

Perry: That's an ox. Know your meats. When I went to pay the garbage bill, they told me you'd never registered the island as a country, so I seized the opportunity. As of today, you're all second-class citizens of Perryland. This is the official charter. Read it and weep.

Leo: You expect us to believe that's real?

Perry: Oh, it's real. Just ask my muscle.

(Perry blows whistle and a group of men in camo come marching in)

Leo: This is bad. This is very, very bad.

Bree: Who are they?

Perry: They're on loan from a tyrant friend of mine. And speaking of tyrants, guess who the dictator of Perryland is?

Bree: (reading charter) Your cat, Mr. Whiskers?

Perry: Don't be ridiculous. He's vice-dictator, and he reports to me. Now, join me in singing the Perryland national anthem.

(Perry clears her throat and the soldiers salute)

Perry: (operatic voice) ♫ O Perryland You're all at my command You'll do what I say While I eat rack of lamb Your sweat and tears will bring me cheers Your robot hands will fan my face From dawn to dusk, O Perryland I stand on top of you O Perryland. I stand on top of you ♫

Leo: When did you have time to write that?

...

(in the cafe in front of training area)

(Chase and Bob are playing chess when Adam walks in)

Adam: Ah, you're still hanging out with Chase? No one should have to suffer that long.

Chase: Great game. Another draw. Wanna go triple check your homework?

Bob: I already did, but one can never be too right.

Chase: You know, if signs of affection didn't strike me as frivolous, I'd hug you right now. Oh, what the heck! (starts hugging him)

Adam: Whoa, whoa, Bob. (pulls them apart) Why waste your time doing stupid science stuff when we can do something useful. Let's go grab a couple of jellyfish and wear 'em as wigs.

Bob: I'm sorry, old friend, but I'm afraid we don't have much in common anymore. (leaves)

Adam: I can't believe it. You stole my best friend.

Chase: I did not steal him. We just...(chuckles) Yeah, you know what, you're right. I stole him.

Adam: You know what? Fine. I don't need you guys. I still got my bionic bros, right, guys?

(the bionic bros turn around, each holding a book)

Adam: Aw, quit reading. I told you it was bad for you. (slaps book out of one of their hands)

(Douglas walks in)

Adam: Douglas, what is going on with them?

Douglas: Not a thing. My intelligence upgrade worked so well on Bob, I decided to give it to all the other students.

Adam: What?! First you steal my Bob, then you take my....that guy, that guy, and him?

Chase: Who wants to discover a new element for the periodic table?

Students: Yeah!

(all the students and Chase leaves the room)

Douglas: Don't worry, Adam. I'll be your friend.

Adam: (scoffs) I'm not that hard up.

...

(in the Mentor's Quarters)

(Leo and Bree walk in to discover Perry completely redecorated the room to fit her own tastes)

Bree: You cannot just come in here and take over our home.

Perry: Of course I can. In Perryland, Perry does whatever Perry wants.

Bree: Okay, look, you may own the island, but we still need to sleep in our capsules.

Perry: Fine. Because Dear Leader is a compassionate goddess, you may recharge your robot batteries right before bedtime. And FYI, I changed the lock on that door, so you're gonna have to buy key cards from me. They're twenty bucks each.

Leo: What?

Bree: That's insane!

Perry: Fine. They're forty bucks. Now get out of here. I have work to do. (claps hands and soldiers with wheelbarrows of sand walks in)

Leo: What is that?

Perry: Sand to fill the pool with. Vice-dictator Mr. Whiskers is helicoptering in tomorrow, and he demanded a much bigger litter box.

Leo: Ew.

Bree: That's disgusting.

Perry: Don't worry, you can still swim in it. (she and soldiers laugh) It's not that funny. Get back to work!

...

(in the common area)

Bob: (to other students) I can't even fathom what we were like before the intelligence upgrade. I mean, how obtuse was I? I was so beyond obtuse, I was Bob-tuse.

(all of the students laugh and Douglas walks in)

Adam: I cannot live in a world with this many Chases.

Douglas: I have bigger problems. I just found out that Perry now owns the island, and has installed herself as dictator.

Adam: Oh, that explains why her face is on all of the toilet seats.

Douglas: The first law that "Dear Leader" Perry passed says that I must serve as her personal servant and massage therapist.

Adam: It's about time somebody put you to work. What do you do here again?

Douglas: I have to go fix this.

Adam: Okay, but Douglas, before you go, can you please just maybe....(Douglas leaves via hydraloop)

Bob: Oh, the frivolities of your consistent blunders.

(students laugh)

Adam: That's it, Bob. If Douglas won't fix you, I will. (scans all the students with the intelligence duplicator) All right, that should do it. Let's see if it worked. Quick, Bob, spell your name backwards.

(Bob bleats like a sheep)

Adam: Uh-oh. (Chase walks in) Guys, what's wrong with Bob?

(all the students bleat in response)

Chase: Adam. What's going on?

Adam: I was trying to dial everyone's intelligence level back to normal and... Oh, what do you want from me? I'm obtuse.

Chase: You must've dialed it back too far. You downgraded their intelligence to the level of a farm animal.

Adam: Yeah, well, for Bob, that's still an upgrade.

Chase: You don't get it. Bob and all the students are brainless zombies.

Adam: Okay, then we'll dial it back.

Chase: Where's the intelligence duplicator?

(loud chewing is heard from offscreen, and then Bob is shown eating the intelligence duplicator)

Chase: (running over to Bob) Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! (rips it out of his hands)

Adam: Hey, in my defense, normal Bob probably would've done that, too.

(scene changes to Adam and Chase pushing the students out of the way)

Chase: Now that Bob destroyed the intelligence duplicator, there's no way to turn them back to normal.

Adam: No problem. We'll just get rid of these students, and have Douglas whip us up a new batch.

Chase: Adam!

Adam: Calm down. It's not like they're a danger to anyone.

Chase: Yes, they are. They're a danger to themselves. (student flops over chair) What are we gonna do? If we can't find a way to bring them back, every one of our students will be completely useless.

(Bob starts chewing on console)

Adam: Ugh. Worse than that, I think you and I are gonna be on the hook for some very expensive dental work.

...

(in the Mentor's Quarters)

Perry: (to a soldier who is painting a portrait of her) Make every mole count.

(Bree and Leo walk in)

Perry: Hey, Perryland peasants. Check out this thing I found in the weapons room. (unveils laser fist) It shoots lasers.

Bree: What were you doing in our weapons room?

Perry: Leveling the playing field. You never know when you machine people are gonna turn on us fleshies.

(students walk into Mentor's Quarters, bleating)

Perry: What's going on?

Leo: I don't know.

Perry: It's a rebellion. They're trying to take me out so that they can rule Perryland. Well the only way that's gonna happen is over Dear Leader's dead body.

Leo: Well, you had a good run.

Perry: Back off. I've got a battle to fight.

Bree: No, no, no, you cannot attack them. They're innocent.

Perry: I'm not gonna attack them. I'm just gonna give them a gentle warning. A gentle 15,000-volt warning.

Bree: (to the students) Get down, get down!

(Bree and Leo attempt to shelter the students while Perry fires her laser fist)

Perry: (laughing) That's how it works.

...

(in the common area)

Adam: (trying to fix intelligence duplicator ) Ah, come on. Get back together.

Chase: Wow, I can't believe that didn't work.

Adam: Well, I don't see you doing anything.

Chase: This is all your fault. We wouldn't even be in this mess if you hadn't touched the device in the first place.

Adam: You don't have any proof of that. The only person who knows whether I did it or not is me, because I was the one who did it. And I wouldn't have touched the device if you hadn't stolen my best friend.

Chase: Oh, well, excuse me for finally having a person around here I can relate to.

(Douglas arrives via the hydraloop)

Douglas: Chase, why does it sound like a bionic barnyard in here?

Chase: Adam used your intelligence duplicator and turned all of our students into mindless zombies.

Adam: Heh. Kind of funny, right?

Chase: Then Bob ate the device, so we have no way of turning them back to normal.

Douglas: See? This is why I always have to make two of everything around here.

Chase: Yes! Problem solved.

(Leo runs in screaming)

Leo: Sound the alarm. Perry's on a rampage.

(Bree and Perry walk in)

Perry: I don't wanna hurt you. I just wanna shoot you with a laser. (fires laser and destroys intelligence duplicator)

Douglas: Come on!

Adam: Any chance you make three of everything?

Douglas: What is going on? Why are you shooting at them?

Perry: These students are trying to oust me from power.

Douglas: No they're not.

Perry: They're not?

Douglas: No.

Perry: Oh, okay.

Bree: I have been telling you that for an hour. Why do you stop when he tells you?

Perry: Because he's the future king. (leaves)

Douglas: So much for an easy fix. Now I have to build a new duplicator from scratch. (leaves)

Chase: Well, as long as they don't tap into their bionics, there's only so much damage they can do.

(one student uses their super strength on a console which makes the doors and hydraloop doors open and close repeatedly)

Bree: You were saying. They're gonna destroy everything.

Leo: So what do we do with 'em?

Adam: I have an idea.

(scene changes to Adam smiling while every single student is contained in the drained pool in the Mentor's Quarters)

Chase: Good idea, Adam. I can't believe they're not smart enough to find their way out of the pool.

Adam: Ooh, we can finally figure out how many people we can cram in there. Everybody count off. (students continue to bleat) Ah, hold on. Somebody said five twice.

Leo: Hey, whatever happened to your military goon squad?

Perry: When they found out they weren't getting paid, they threatened to quit, so I had to fire on them.

Bree: You mean fire them.

Perry: Nope.

(Douglas walks in)

Douglas: Okay. This better work. Otherwise I'll have to get rid of these kids and whip up a whole new batch.

Adam: That's what I said!

(Douglas scans all of the students in the pool with the new intelligence duplicator)

Chase: Bob, name an element in the periodic table.

Bob: Uh, lasagna.

Adam: That's my Bob. Welcome back, buddy.

(all of the students start to clamber out of the pool)

Perry: I'll be inside preparing for the royal bathing. Good news. (referring to Bree and Leo) You two get to scrape my heels. (leaves)

Bree: So what do we do?

Leo: Same thing I did in high school detention. Grab a bucket and a cheese grater, and let your mind drift somewhere else.

Douglas: I went through all the paperwork, and I can't find a legal fix that will remove her from power.

Chase: Well, then I'm afraid we have no choice. We have to relocate the academy.

Leo: Well, there is one possible legal solution. If Perry were married, her spouse would own half the island, too.

Douglas: Yeah, but...(laughs) We all know there's no person in their right mind who's gonna marry her.

(Adam, Bree, Chase, and Leo turn to look at Douglas)

...

(scene changes to Douglas and Leo dressed up in the training area, redecorated as a wedding reception)

Douglas: I can't believe this is happening.

Leo: I can't believe Perry only has one guest.

(the students are sitting on the groom side of the aisle, a training dummy is on the bride side. Adam walks in wearing a black robe)

Adam: All right. I signed up online. I'm officially allowed to marry you and Perry.

Leo: You almost look official. Nice touch with the robe.

Adam: Oh, no, this was just 'cause I was chilly. (takes off robe to reveal a tank top and swim shorts) All right, let's do this. Hit it, Bob.

(Bob presses the keyboard and it starts playing synthesized polka music before he realizes his mistake and switches it to processional music)

(Chase walks down the aisle begrudgingly, throwing flowers, and grimacing every step, until he finally gets to the front and lets the basket thud to the ground)

(Perry walks down the aisle next with Bree holding her dress from behind)

Perry: (to the training dummy on the bride's side) Thank you for coming. (to Douglas) Aren't you going to lift my veil?

Douglas: Actually, I was hoping there was a second one that I could cover it with. (reluctantly lifts her veil)

Perry: I've been dreaming of this since I was a little girl. This is exactly how I pictured it.

Bree: On an island filled with bionic superhumans?

Perry: You don't know what I dreamed. You weren't there.

Adam: Hear ye, hear ye. We are gathered here to join Theresa Cherry Perry and Douglas Orville Davenport in marriage.

Leo: Orville?

Douglas: Given everything that's happening right now, do you really think that that is gonna embarrass me?

Adam: If anyone here sees a reason why these two should not be married, please raise your hand.

(Bree, Douglas, Leo, Chase, and all of the students raise their hands)

Adam: Nothin'? Nobody? No one here objects? Not a soul? Good. By the power vested in me by some random site on the internet, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the--

Douglas: Cue the music!

(processional starts to play again and the students clap weakly)

Leo: Hold on. There's still one minor formality to make this...beautiful arrangement official. You have to sign a marriage license.

Perry: Of course. (signs it) Congratulations. You're now Douglas Orville Perry.

Leo: We did it!

Douglas: Ha! As your husband, I now own half the island.

Perry: You may think you own half of what's mine, but in Perryland, the lady takes it all. Read the charter. Come on, Dougie-poo. It's honeymoon time.

Douglas: Oh, my evil past has finally caught up to me.

Bree: Hold on there, bridezilla. Joke's on you. I switched documents.

Perry: What are you talking about?

Bree: Oh, this isn't a marriage license. You just signed a contract that gives total ownership of the island back to us.

Perry: What? Give me that!

(Bree super speeds out of the room)

Bob: Wait, so they're not actually married? Well, if those two can't make it, what chance do any of us have?!

Perry: You may have taken my island and my man, but you will never take my laser fist! (unveils laser fist from under bouquet)

(Perry begins firing randomly around the room, causing everyone in the room to scream and run away)

Perry: And this still exactly how I pictured it! (to training dummy) Thanks for nothing!

...

(in the common area)

Douglas: Well, now that zombie-pocalypse is over, I can finally use the intelligence duplicator to make all the students smart again.

Chase: It's about time.

Adam: Whoa, whoa. Hold on. Did you ever think maybe Bob doesn't wanna be super intelligent?

Bob: Oh, I don't mi--

Adam: Nobody cares, Bob. Look, just because you can change someone doesn't mean you should. I mean, Bob might not be as smart as everyone, but he's Bob. That's why I love him. And Chase...you're Chase. And that's why...Well, I'll stop there.

Douglas: That might be the smartest thing he's ever said. Did you hit him with the intelligence duplicator?

Chase: You know, Adam's right. We should destroy it. Where'd it go?

(loud chewing is heard offscreen and Bob is seen chewing the intelligence duplicator)

Adam: Ah, told you normal Bob would do that, too.

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