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This is a complete transcript of the episode Brother Battle.

Transcript

(Adam walks into the living room, carrying Chase)

Chase: Adam, stop!

Adam: I told you, my weight set broke and I need you to be my barbell. And please, don't scream this time, its distracting.

(Donald walks in the house)

Donald: Adam, put him down. That's how people get hurt.

Adam: Hmm. Good point, I should probably stretch first. (throws Chase on the floor then leaves)

Chase: Man, I'm so tired of him. So far this week I've been his weight set, his football, and his jump rope.

Donald: Well, on the bright side you've never looked more fit. (pats Chase on back)

Chase: I'm serious. He's always using his strength to make my life miserable.

Douglas: Why don't you get even?

Chase: How? None of my abilities can compete with his strength. And it's hard to torture him with brain teasers when he doesn't have a brain.

Douglas: Maybe I can unlock a new ability. Give you something you've never had before. The upper hand. (laughs)

Chase: Yes. Let's do it.

Donald: Euh, no, let's not, absolutely, finito, forget it.

Douglas: Why not?

Donald: Because I said so. You live under my roof, you play by my rules. End of discussion.

Douglas: (mimicking Donald) You live under my roof, you play by my-

Donald: I can hear you!

Adam: (returns) All right, Chase, my hammies are loose. I'm ready for round two.

Chase: Ah, ah, ah, Mr. Davenport said you can't bench press me anymore.

Adam: Yeah, but he didn't say anything about you being my shot put. Come on, let's go for gold! (Chase runs away) Starting with sprints. I like it. (runs after Chase)

(Theme song plays )

...

(in the living room)

Chase: Douglas, you have to unlock a new ability for me. Adam just put on boxing gloves and tried to hook me to the ceiling!

Douglas: I'm sorry, Donnie said no. But look, I feel your pain. When we were kids, he'd push me around all the time. Then I outgrew him.  

Chase: Then you got the upper hand?

Douglas: No, he invented a robot to beat me up. Fisto Roboto was as cruel as he was calculating.

Chase: Well, if you know what it is like then why don't you help me?

Douglas: Sorry Chase, he said no. And I've got to stay on his good side, or else he'll cut off my allowance. I'm saving up to buy a car. You know, in case I have to live in it.

Chase: You know what? Fine, I get it. Mr. Davenport is smarter, and older, and he controls you.

Douglas: He doesn't control me. He just tells me what to do and when to- Okay, you're on! Let's unlock a new ability. But first, grab a bat. You and me are going to pay a little visit to Fisto Roboto.

Chase: Yes!

...

(in the lab)

Bree: (sighs) I am so glad to be home. I just worked a twelve-hour shift at Tech Town.

Leo: I hear you. It's been pretty crazy around here too. I made a pitcher of ice tea, but then I changed the water filter, so I had to go back and make another pitcher of ice tea, but then I realized I forgot the lemons... Like I said, it's been a whirlwind.

Bree: Well it's better than being badgered by tech nerds obsessed with our stupid contest.

Leo: Contest? What contest?

Bree: We're about our hit our one millionth customer, and whoever that is wins the grand prize: an all-expense paid trip to go meet Tech Town's founder, Franz Minsk.

Leo: Wait, wait, wait. The Franz Minsk? The man whose designing a billion dollar tech theme park with the world's first anti-gravity roller coaster?

Bree: No, the other Franz Minsk.

Leo: Oh man, I've always wanted to meet him. This is the coolest contest ever. Maybe I can be the first person to throw up on his roller coaster.

Bree: Leo, with your delicate little stomach you'll probably throw up in line.

Leo: Oh, I am winning that contest. How close are you to a million?

Bree: I have no idea. You just have to buy something and hope you're lucky.

Leo: Hmm, well, maybe a hundred dollar bill will ensure I get lucky.

Bree: You do not have a hundred dollar bill. (leaves lab)

Leo: Touché. (runs out of the lab)

(Douglas and Chase enter the lab from elevator immediately after Leo leaves)

Douglas: Okay, we have to be quick before Donnie gets back. This... (puts a device on Chase's neck)

Chase: Ow.

Douglas: ...will let me look through your list of hidden abilities to see which one to give you.

Chase: Why don't you just give me 'em all?

Douglas: No way. The human body can only take so much. It's-- It's like a water balloon. You fill it up too much and—well, I don't want to spend the night scraping Chase chunks off the ceiling. Hmm, let's see. Uh, night vision? Nah, your phone has a flashlight. Acid spit? Fun. Oh, but if you drool in your sleep, you could melt your face off. No.. Oh (laughs) no. Ooh, no (grunts) Yes! I've got it

Chase: Awesome! Wait. This isn't going to hurt, is it?

Douglas: Well, it's not going to hurt me. (laughs)

(Chase laughs along but starts to get visibly nervous)

...

(at Tech Town)

Scott: Well, Bree, apparently calculating receipts properly isn't one of your bionic abilities.

Bree: Sorry, Scott. Guess I'm not management material.

Scott: If you're a superhuman, remind me again why you still work a part-time job for minimum wage?

Bree: Because I am trying to hold on to a tiny bit of my normal teenage life.

Scott: You? Normal? Ha!

Bree: Hmm. And because I want to be a people person, like you.

Scott: Just remember, around here...I'm the superhero. (runs off)

(Leo walks up to register)

Bree: Hey, Leo, what are you doing here?

Leo: I'm here for the contest.

Bree: I told you, you have to buy something.

Leo: Oh, well I have been in the market for some AA batteries. Ooh, alkaline. Fancy. Ring 'em up.

Bree: Fine. That's $4.99. (swipes card) Sorry, you're not a winner.

Leo: I'll take another.

Bree: (swipes card) Sorry, you're not a winner. (swipes card) Nope. (swipes card) Uh-huh. (swipes card) Sorry.

(Leo dumps entire case onto counter)

Bree: You know these are a choking hazard, right?

Leo: Thank you for the warning.

Bree: It wasn't a warning.

...

(in the lab)

Chase: Oh, no. Adam's in here. I sure hope he doesn't try to bench press me or throw me across the room. Like right now. Tiny doll-like body just begging to get hurt.

Adam: Not now, Chase, I'm busy.

Chase: What are you doing?

Adam: I'm trying to figure out which is scarier, okay? One hundred duck-sized horses or one giant horse-sized duck.

Chase: Well, I bet they could both take you in a fight. Ooh!

Adam: Chase, that wasn't even an option, I need you to take this seriously, okay? I'm thinking it's the massive duck--

Chase: Just hit me.

Adam: If you keep interrupting me, I'm going to hit you.

Chase: Then do it.

Adam: That wasn't interrupting. In order to interrupt someone, you actually have--

Chase: Just hit me!

Adam: There it is!

(Adam gears up to hit Chase, but Chase reveals his new laser bo ability)

Adam: What's that?

Chase: Laser bo. It's my new ability.

Adam: That's not a new ability, that's a giant glow stick. But you hang on to it. We'll need it on Halloween when we cross the street.

(Adam tries to punch but Chase blocks each punch with his laser bo and sends Adam flying across the room)

Adam: Hey! (Chase starts to leave) None of this would've happened if you hadn't interrupted me!

...

(at Tech Town)

Leo: Excuse me, ma'am. Do you work here?

Bree: Oh, good. You're here to not win again.

Leo: Actually, I'm broke. So I'm here to return everything I bought. Hyah (lifts basket of batteries onto counter)

Bree: Wait. You're gonna make me put all of those back on the shelf?

Leo: No. That'd be crazy. I'm gonna leave them right here so I can re-buy them.

(Perry enters the store)

Perry: Watch it!

Scott: Ugh, it's you. Didn't I ban you from this store?

Perry: Ooh, I've been banned from a lot of places. Movie theaters, churches, Detroit. And if the great state of Michigan can't keep me out, what chance do you have?

Scott: Fine. How can I help you in a way that'll make you leave as soon as possible?

(Perry puts laptop on counter)

Perry: Another one of your Internet boxes conked out on me.

Bree: Funny how that always seems to happen on the last day of the warranty.

Perry: Yeah, that's probably something you should look into.

(Scott lifts up the laptop and liquid begins to pour out of it)

Scott: Ohh.

Bree: What?!

Scott: Is that...(sniffs)...chick grease?

Perry: Stay out of my personal life! Now just sprinkle some of your geek dust on it and fix it.

Scott: Bree, I'm gonna leave this in your incapable hands.

(Perry sneaks up behind Leo, startling him)

Perry: What are you doing here, Dooley? Shouldn't you be at home disappointing your parents?

Leo: Shouldn't you be at the food court, stealing other people's lunches?

Perry: I don't steal, I graze. What are you hiding? I can smell your fear.

Leo: That's not fear, that's chicken grease.

Scott: (to everyone in the store) Keep buying, everyone! One of you could be moments away from meeting Franz Minsk. Now the winner gets to meet him, but I keep the cutout (laughs) I need a plus one for...everything.

Perry: Oh, I get it. You wanna win the contest.

Leo: What? No, no, I don't.

Perry: Yes, you do. And if you want to win, then I want to win.

Leo: Why? Why would you do that?

Perry: Perhaps we haven't met. (extends hand) Terry Perry, professional dream crusher.

...

(in the living room)

Adam: Try to get me now, Chase. (is shown to be encased in plastic bubble)

Chase: Adam, what are you doing?

Adam: I'm taunting you from the safety of my battle bubble. This way I can get you, but you can't get me. Watch. (uses heat vision but the bubble pops) Is the bubble still around me?

Chase: Yep, you're good. This won't hurt one bit.

(Donald walks in as Chase forms his laser bo)

Donald: Chase, what is going on?

Adam: Ooh, you're in trouble. You wanna borrow what's left of my battle bubble?

(scene changes to Adam, Chase, Donald, and Douglas standing in the living room)

Donald: You went behind my back and you gave Chase a new ability?

Douglas: I was only trying to help. Look, I know you're mad, but at least I'm not trying to abduct the kids anymore.

Chase: That's true. He hasn't committed a felony in weeks.

Douglas: Days.

Chase: Days.

Adam: Wait, you gave him a new ability? Well, don't expect a mug on Father's Day. Oh, darn, I already ordered it!

Donald: (to Adam and Chase) Guys, can you give us a second?

Adam: Yeah. Thanks, guys. (pushes Chase away) Hey, don't worry. You're getting a mug, too.

Donald: I meant you and Chase.

Adam: Fine, then nobody's getting a mug. Oh, darn, I already ordered 'em!

(Adam and Chase leave)

Donald: I knew it was a mistake letting you stay here.

Douglas: You're right. This is all your fault. I forgive you, let's move on.

Donald: Ah-ah-ah-ah. No.

Douglas: Oh, come on, Donnie, what's the big deal?

Donald: The big deal is you messed with their bionics.

Douglas: I just gave him a little boost. I felt bad for the kid. I know what it's like to be the younger, much smarter brother.

Donald: Oh, now I get it. So because you have an axe to grind with me, you give him a new ability and upset the whole balance of power in the house. Did you ever stop to think how it will affect their teamwork on missions?

Douglas: I...did not. Don't worry, I can fix this.

Donald: How? It's not like you can take the ability back. What are you gonna do? Get rid of the kids and start from scratch?

Douglas: No. Is that on the table?

...

(at Tech Town)

Bree: Sorry, you're still a loser.

Perry: Don't need a register to tell you that.

Leo: How can you afford all of this? Big D stopped paying you off.

Perry: It's worth the $40,000 in credit card debt just to see you lose.

Scott: (to everyone in the store) Okay, folks! I'm not supposed to say anything because it could trigger a dangerous buying frenzy, but we're nearing our one millionth customer!

(everyone in the store starts rushing to grab stuff to buy)

Bree: Hey, Scott, is now a bad time to give my two weeks notice?

Scott: Make it one week and you got yourself a deal.

Perry: (to random customer) Back off, bub, or your gonna get a taste of a Danish shoe. And whatever's on the bottom. Probably Danish. (sniffs shoe) Nope, that's not Danish.

...

(in the lab)

Chase: Adam, I'm sorry I went overboard with my new ability. Having that kind of strength is...exhilarating

Adam: See, now you understand why I beat on you all day long. Hey, I hope this brings us closer.

Chase: Look, now that I've made my point, can we just agree that things need to go back to being normal?

Adam: Sure. Put 'er there, bro.

(Adam inhales and blows out forcefully, sending Chase barreling across the room)

Chase: What was that?

Adam: Oh, my new pressurized lung capacity, or as I like to call it, My Blow Thingy.

Chase: How did you do that?

Adam: Well, Douglas wanted to make things right between us so he unlocked a new ability for me. I wanted machine guns in my eyebrows, but he said I'd get headaches.

Chase: I thought you just agreed that things should go back to being normal.

Adam: Well, they are. I'm more powerful than you again and there's nothing you can do about it.

Chase: Oh, there's definitely something I can do about it. (forms laser bo)

Adam: Oh, silly Chase. Your glow thingy is no match for my blow thingy.

...

(at Tech Town)

(the buying frenzy is at an all-time high, Leo is trying to find something to buy but people keep snatching everything up)

Scott: We're getting closer! Closer!

Leo: (after failing again to grab something) Oh, come on!

Scott: Even closer!

Perry: Gotta be faster than that, Dooley.

Leo: Look! Robotic cats!

Perry: Ooh, where?

Leo: Ring me up, Scotty.

(Scott swipes Leo's card and an alarm goes off)

Perry: (diving onto ground) Oh! I was gonna pay for it!

Scott: Congratulations! You're Tech Town's one millionth customer!

Leo: Yes! Yes! I won!

Scott: Yes. But unfortunately relatives of employees are ineligible.

Leo: What?! Bree...did you know about this?

Bree: I've only got one week left. I'm pretty much checked out.

Scott: Looks like someone didn't read page eight, section four of the terms and conditions. By default, the prize goes to the next customer, who is--

Perry: Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

Scott: Oh, goodness, it won.

Perry: I get to meet Frank Moskowitz!

Leo: (with restrained anger) It's Franz Minsk.

Perry: Call him whatever you want. You're not gonna meet him.

...

(in the lab)

Donald: So you fixed everything with Adam and Chase?

Douglas: Yep, not to worry. Everything is back to normal.

(clashing noises in the background and a fire extinguisher flies past Donald and Douglas)

Donald: Adam! Chase! Stop it, now!

(Adam knocks Chase to his feet with pressurize lung capacity)

Donald: What was that?!

Douglas: Pressurized lung capacity. Pretty cool, huh?

Donald: Will you two stop? I thought you said everything was back to normal!

Douglas: Duck! (chair flies over their heads) It is. Adam has the upper hand, balance is restored. It's called parenting, Donnie. Feel free to take notes. (another object is hurtled towards them) Oops.

Donald: I ask you to make things better and you make things worse, as usual.

Douglas: Yeah, yeah. (both hold onto console to avoid being blown away by Adam) Just like when we were kids, it's always my fault. "He didn't do the dishes. He left my bike out. He reanimated my dead gerbil and now it's a monster!"

Donald: Well, it was! You should've let Herman rest in peace! You know what? All you did was make the situation more dangerous. You're like a destabilizer when it touches plastic.

Douglas: I think you mean metal.

Donald: You know what? I think you're right.

(touches metal to the destabilizer Douglas is holding, sending him flying across the room)

Douglas: Aaah!

(Adam and Chase stop fighting)

Chase: Wow. That was harsh.

Donald: Yeah. It's ugly when brothers fight, isn't it?

Adam: Yeah, but with you guys it's also dangerous 'cause you're super old and you could die.

Donald: Look, I know you two are polar opposites, but you're brothers and you have to start learning to respect each other.

Chase: Oh, you mean like you two do?

Donald: Well, Douglas and I, you know, that's different. Look, we're adults and we've earned the right to act like children. This behavior has got to stop.

Adam: Okay.

Chase: We get it.

Douglas: Good one, Donnie. Way to nail 'em.

Donald: Oh, no. You're not off the hook. You can't just go around handing out bionic abilities.

Douglas: But that's why they like me more than you.

(Donald turns around to see Adam and Chase shake their heads, but when he turns back around, they start nodding)

Donald: Look, I know you're trying to help, but you have to let me take the lead when it comes to the kids.

Douglas: Okay, fine. I'm sorry.

Donald: From now on, any major decisions have to go by me first.

Douglas: Absolutely. But we're gonna have to start that tomorrow 'cause I kinda made Bree invisible.

All: What?

Bree: (invisible) It's true. I've been standing here the whole time.

Adam: (trying to catch Bree) Oh! Oh, I got her. I got—No, that's air. That was air.

...

(in the living room)

Leo: I can't believe Principal Perry won. I'm never gonna meet Franz Minsk, I'm never gonna ride his roller coaster.

Bree: Well, Leo, some dreams die over time. And some die quickly in the hands of a ginger-domed witch.

(ringtone plays from tablet)

Perry: (on a video call) Check it out, Dooley! Me and Frankie are riding the anti-gravity coaster! Uh-oh! I knew I shouldn't have had that third funnel cake!

(Perry vomits offscreen and Leo puts the tablet down)

Leo: That should be me vomiting up there!

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