This is a complete transcript of the episode Cyborg Shark Attack.
Transcript[]
(in the living room)
Adam: Man, that movie was awesome!
Chase: Yeah, Shark Beach definitely lived up to the hype. Although I couldn't hear most of it over Leo screaming. "Shark! Ahhh!"
Adam: No, Chase, that's not right. It was more like (high pitched mocking scream)
Leo: Oh, it was not that loud!
Chase: Dude, girls said that you were screaming like a girl.
Leo: Look, it's hard for me to talk about, but when I was younger I had a very traumatic experience with a shark.
Chase: You did?
Leo: It was the dead of summer. I was playing in the water when all of a sudden everything turned red. That's when I realized...
Adam: Realized what?
Leo: It bit me.
Chase: A great white?
Leo: No.
Adam: Hammerhead?
Leo: No.
Chase: Tiger?
Leo: No
Chase: Thresher?
Leo: No.
Chase: Bull shark?
Leo: Okay, it was rubber.
Chase: Wait, wait, wait. You were bitten by a toy shark at the beach?
Leo: No. (pauses) It was a bathtub. But, that water was choppy. And I was not the only victim. Mr. Froggy is still missing.
Adam: You know what else is missing?
Leo: What?
Adam: Your manhood.
(theme song plays)
...
(in the main school hallway)
(Janelle is sitting on a bench with a CPR dummy when Leo walks up to her)
Leo: Hey, we still studying for our health class CPR exam tonight?
Janelle: Your place at seven?
Leo: Well, I was talking to her, but you're welcome to join.
Janelle: She's plastic and even her stomach is turning from that one.
(Adam and Chase walk up to them)
Adam: Hey, Janelle, aren't you a bit old to be playing with dolls? Give it to Chase.
Chase: It's not a doll. It's a CPR dummy. Or in your case, another inanimate object that's smarter than you.
Janelle: Hey, Leo, maybe after we're done studying we can go see Shark Beach.
Leo: Yeah. Already saw it. Two thumbs down.
Janelle: Really? I loved it.
Leo: And eight fingers up!
Janelle: I love sharks. They fascinate me.
Leo: Me too!
Janelle: They're the most misunderstood creatures on the planet.
Leo: I know! So they eat people. Leave them alone.
Janelle: I tried to see the movie again last night, but someone kept screaming the whole time.
Adam: Yeah, we were at the movies, too. Guess who the screamer was?
Leo: It was them! They screamed. They are the screamers. "Ahh! Leo, help! Tell us when the sharks are gone!" You screamed. (sing-songy) Screamers.
Chase: Leo, what are you doing?
Adam: Yeah, that's not cool.
Leo: You're right. It's rude to laugh in your faces. Let's go do it in the cafeteria! (mock screams at Adam and Chase)
...
(in the living room)
Bree: Tasha, I'm home! You ready to go?
Donald: Hey, she got called away for work. But anything you have planned with her, you can do with me.
Bree: We were getting a mani-pedi.
Donald: Perfect. This mani is ready for his pedi.
Bree: On second thought, I'm good.
Donald: Nope. No, no, no. You and I are going to be spending some quality father-daughter time. So, who are you totes crushing on? Is he adorbs?
Bree: What?
(thumping noise is heard and Perry walks in)
Donald: Why do you bother knocking if you're just gonna barge in?
Perry: I wasn't knocking. I dislocated my shoulder body-checking someone and I was cramming it back into place. (thuds shoulder into door) Oh. (cracks shoulder) Bingo! Love that meaty pop!
Bree: Hey, can we get a heads-up the next time you decide to cram something back into its socket?
Perry: Anywho, the Mission Creek Country Club is accepting new members and I need your help.
Bree: Uh, why do you want to join a country club?
Perry: Because. My summer's wide open and I'm tired of all the wolf-whistles I get dipping my piglets into the public pool. I need to be ogled by fancy people.
Donald: I'm sorry, after the word "piglet" I retreated into my safe place.
Perry: Look, I have to be interviewed by a country club rep, and I hate interviews. They make me all nervous and sweaty.
Bree: Did you just come from an interview?
Donald: So you want me to coach you on what to say?
Perry: No, I need you to come with me. I told them you're my husband.
Donald: You what?!
Perry: When I get interviewed, I get nervous, and when I get nervous I start making up lies. I can't help it, it's a medical condition. (gasps) See, I just did it right there.
Donald: Look, I'm not pretending to be your husband.
Perry: Hmmm. Guess I'm gonna have to call the cops on Donny Don and the Robot Bunch.
Donald: Okay, fine, I'll do it. But this blackmailing thing is getting old.
Perry: So is this marriage. Now shut your yap and get in the car.
...
(in the lab)
Chase: I can't believe Leo told everyone that we were the screamers at the movie. It's time for a little revenge.
Adam: I got it. We go to the aquarium--
Chase: No, Adam, we're not gonna throw Leo in the shark tank.
Adam: No, I was gonna throw you in the shark tank and make Leo rescue you.
Chase: Look. Mr. Davenport developed a school of cyborg sharks he used to guard his top secret underwater facility.
Adam: Why didn't he just use humans?
Chase: He's cheap. See, the sharks are designed to attack intruders. He still has a few prototypes in storage.
Adam: Mm.
(Chase presses buttons on a tablet and a cyborg shark pops up on a table from the compartmentalized lab floor)
Adam: Whoa! He looks vicious. I'm gonna name him Carl.
Chase: We can use Mr. Davenport's hover technology to repurpose it for land. I'll control it with this tablet and then we can scare Leo in front of Janelle. Awesome, right?
(Chase raises his hand to high-five Adam, but Adam is struggling to free his hand from the shark's mouth)
Chase: Why would you put your hand in there?
Adam: Because I didn't think my head would fit.
...
(in the country club office)
Perry: Dinner party? Hmm, yes, I will.
(Donald walks in wearing a suit)
Perry: What are you wearing? It's a country club, not a funeral.
Donald: Yeah, it's not a bagpipe player convention either.
Perry: How'd you like me to pipe your bag?
(the country club representative, Regina, walks in)
Regina: Mr. and Mrs. Davenport, I presume.
Perry: That's us.
Regina: Please take a seat. I see here you play golf. What's your handicap?
Perry: I have a second tailbone. Works like a kickstand when I sit down. (pops tailbone) Oh, there it goes.
Regina: (high-pitched) Well, how nice for you. Our club hasn't added new members in over a decade. What makes the Davenports qualified?
Perry: Oh, boy. Uh...Is it hot in here?
Donald: Um, ma'am, you probably don't recognize me because I look that much younger in person, but it is me. The one and only Donald Davenport. Davenport Industries? America's most dashing tech mogul three years running? (the lady stares blankly at him) Oh, boy.
Regina: We're less concerned with what our members do than how they behave. We focus more on integrity.
Perry: (grabbing fist-fulls of mints) These mints are free, right?
Regina: Tell me why your family should be part of ours.
Perry: Family? Do we need a family? 'Cause we've got one. We're got a, uh...a daughter.
Donald: (hushed) No, we don't. (Perry makes frantic gestures) Yes, yes. Sorry. Yes, a daughter. We have a daughter.
Regina: Well, you should have brought her with you.
Perry: We did. She's waiting in the car.
Donald: (hushed) Stop talking!
Regina: By all means, bring her in.
(Donald stands up and walks over to Perry, out of earshot from Regina)
Donald: Great, now what are we gonna do?
Perry: I don't know, I saw some kids in the parking lot?
Donald: Just let me handle it. (to Regina) Can you excuse me for just one second?
(Donald walks into the hallway)
Perry: I know what you're thinking. Trophy wife.
(in the living room, Bree's phone rings and she answers it)
Bree: Hello?
Donald: Perry won't stop lying. She said we have a daughter, so I need you to super-speed down here and join the fun.
Bree: (laughs) No way. Wait, will this get me out of father-daughter time?
Donald: Get down here or you and I will have plenty of father-daughter time in prison!
(Bree super speeds to the country club)
Bree: Get off the phone and let's do this.
(Bree and Donald walk into the country club office)
Perry: Ah! There's my ugly duckling.
...
(in the living room)
Janelle: (prepping CPR dummy) All right, it's your turn to give her mouth-to-mouth.
Leo: Okay, but shouldn't I at least take her out to dinner first?
Janelle: You better learn CPR fast, because your jokes are dying.
(the lights dim suddenly, and thick fog starts creeping in the room)
Janelle: What's going on?
Leo: I don't know. (spots cyborg shark in the fog) Uh-huh!
Janelle: Is that what I think it is?
Leo: If you think it's a lame attempt by brothers to scare me with a stupid rubber fin, then yes.
Janelle: Why would they do that? They're the one afraid of sharks.
Leo: (laughs awkwardly) You know kids. They're just weird.
...
(in the lab)
Chase: Man, the cyborg shark is working perfectly.
Adam: Yeah, let's release the other two sharks before my hand gets stuck in them.
Chase: Yeah.
(Leo walks in)
Leo: All right, all right, all right. (tries to grab Chase's tablet) You got me. Now cut it out or Janelle's gonna leave.
Chase: Should have thought about that before you mocked us in front of the whole school.
Leo: Look. Sometimes with the ladies you have to embellish to make yourself look good. You'll understand this when you have ladies of your own one day. (pats Adam's shoulder) Well, you will.
Adam: Hey! Chase will have a girlfriend.
Chase: Thank you, Adam.
Adam: Yeah, I mean, once Leo and Janelle are done practicing CPR on her, she's all yours.
...
(at the country club)
Bree: Are we done? Is she in? Can I go?
Regina: Not quite yet. We like to know what our members do outside the club. Any hobbies you'd like to tell me about?
Perry: None that are legal.
Donald: Travel! We like to travel.
Regina: So do I. Peru is my favorite spot. I collect Mohican pottery from there.
Perry: What a coincidence. So do we. We have some in the car.
Regina: Well, I'd love to see it.
Donald: Um, sweetie, can you go out to the car and get the pottery from Peru?
Bree: (stares at him) Really?
(Bree walks out of the room and then super speeds out of the hallway)
Perry: Mint?
(Bree super speeds back and walks into the room, holding pottery)
Perry: Finally.
Regina: Oh, it's beautiful. Next you'll tell me you collect Inuit art from Alaska.
Perry: We do!
Bree: Alaska?! Do you have a parka I could borrow?
...
(in the living room)
(Janelle is sitting on the kitchen counter when Adam, Chase, and Leo walk in)
Leo: Hey, Janelle, what are you doing up there?
Janelle: Trying to remember why I ever come to this house. Your fake shark just ate my real shoe!
Adam: (spots cyborg shark) Whoa.
Leo: I thought you turned it off!
Chase: I did. (presses buttons on tablet) Oh no, the cyborg shark must have artificial intelligence. It's ignoring my commands.
Adam: Oh, calm down. Just hit the off switch. I know exactly where it is, I was elbow deep in that thing for two hours.
(the cyborg shark rips the CPR dummy from the couch into the fog)
All: Whoa!
(the cyborg shark tears off the CPR dummy's head and Leo catches it. They all start screaming)
...
(in the living room)
(Adam, Chase, Leo, and Janelle are standing on the kitchen counter watching the cyborg shark)
Janelle: Where'd it go?
(the shark pops up from the fog and they all scream)
Adam: Man, you think you know a mechanical shark and then he just turns on you.
Chase: The shark is blocking my commands to shut it down and it's taken over the home security system.
Leo: So there's a shark loose in our house that's trying to eat us? We're going to die!
Adam: Since we're all goners, there's a few things I need to get off my chest. I have always wanted to be a florist. But I don't wanna pick 'em. I just wanna arrange 'em. Oh, and Leo was the one who was screaming at the movies.
Janelle: That was you? You said you weren't afraid of sharks. Why did you lie to me?
Leo: Uh...
Adam: Hey, you know what'll fix this? Some daffodils.
...
(at the country club)
(art from all around the world is sitting on Regina's desk, courtesy of Bree)
Regina: I have to admit, you didn't strike me as people I'd want to see strolling our grounds in tennis shorts. But how could I not lobby for a family who shares so many of my own interests?
Donald: And to think we had all of these lovely items you adore just sitting in the trunk of our car.
Regina: Welcome to the club!
Perry: Here that, Donny? We did it!
Donald: Ah, that's great. Let's get out of here, snookums.
Regina: I'll have your ID badges ready tomorrow. (to Bree) Oh, I didn't catch your name.
Bree: (simultaneously) It's Bree.
Perry: (simultaneously) It's Julia.
(they pause and look at each other)
Bree: (simultaneously) It's Julia.
Perry: (simultaneously) It's Bree.
Regina: You don't know your own daughter's name?
Perry: I get all of my kids' names mixed up.
Regina: Wait, you didn't tell me you had more children.
Perry: Yep, six in all, and twenty-one grandchildren, couple llamas, and a goldfish named Silvio.
Bree: Who are not out in the car.
...
(in the living room)
(Adam, Chase, Leo, and Janelle are still standing on the counter)
Janelle: This is getting ridiculous. We've been up here forever. I'm out of here.
(Janelle hops off the counter)
Leo: Janelle, no!
(Janelle tries to run towards the front door, but is blocked by the cyborg shark)
Leo: Look out! Jump on the couch!
(Janelle hops up on the couch)
Chase: Wait! We have two smaller sharks. Maybe I can program them to attack the big one.
Adam: Oh, they're right here. (holds up empty bag) Well, that's weird. Where'd they go?
Janelle: (panicked) I think I found 'em.
(the other cyborgs sharks join the main one and swim around Janelle)
...
(at the country club)
Bree: So you didn't get in. But, I mean, there's plenty of other places that will let you in like a truck stop or prison.
Perry: You don't get it. I'm always the outsider looking in, but here, people would've been forced to hangout with me.
Donald: They would've found a way not to.
Perry: Guess I'm gonna be alone forever. Thanks for tryin'. (walks away)
Bree: Look, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually kind of feel bad for her.
Donald: Me too. Oh well, let's go.
Bree: We have to try at least one more time.
Donald: You're right. Sometimes I forget that underneath her layers of venom, there lies a troll with a tiny dried out raisin of a heart.
Bree: All right, come on.
(Bree and Donald walk into Regina's office)
Bree: You'll have to reconsider. We only lied about being a family to impress you because she wants to be a part of this club more than anything.
(Perry walks back in the hallway and eavesdrops on the conversation)
Donald: Yeah. Terry Perry may not be family, but we'd be honored if she was. Trust me, there is no living thing on Earth quite like her.
Regina: Not happening.
Donald: Oh, well, perhaps my checkbook could make it happen? (starts writing out a check)
Regina: As I said, our club prides itself on its integrity. (looks at the check) I believe you spell "integrity" with three more zeroes.
(Perry walks in the room)
Regina: Congratulations, you're in! (takes check from Donald)
Perry: Not so fast! (grabs check from Regina) I don't want any part of this dump.
All: What?!
Perry: You heard me. I always wanted to be a part of something, but now I realized I already am. (puts her arms around Bree and Donald) You love me. And why would I want to be here when we've got each other? All summer long.
Bree: What? No!
Donald: Well, that backfired.
...
(in the living room)
Janelle: Ah!
Leo: Hang in there, Janelle.
Chase: What are we gonna do? We can't use our bionics in front of her.
Janelle: Leo, do something! (slow-motion) Help!
Adam & Chase: (slow-motion) No!
(in slow-motion, Leo jumps off the counter and starts tussling with the cyborg shark)
Leo: It's okay. I'm all right. I'm okay. (is pulled back down by the shark)
(Leo continues to fight with the shark and it all goes silent)
Janelle: Where is he?
Chase: I don't know.
(Leo pops up from the ground holding the shark's fin and the lights turn back on)
Leo: Sorry, sharks. This beach is closed.
Janelle: You did it! Thank you for saving me, (pauses) and for buying me a new pair of shoes. I'm a size 7. (walks away)
Chase: Great job! Since you took down the big shark, the other one's automatically deactivated.
Adam: Dude, I can't believe you got over your fear of sharks.
Leo: I guess I was more afraid of never having a girlfriend.
Chase: Wait. How were you able to deactivate the shark without getting bit?
Leo: Easy. I jammed the dummy's head in its mouth and turned it off. I took that thing down and didn't even get a scratch.
(Leo walks over to Janelle, revealing the back of his shirt to be torn in various places)
Adam: Yep. Not a scratch.
...
(in the living room)
(Adam, Bree, Chase, and Leo are on the couch, watching Perry suck on a mint)
Perry: Mmm. (makes disgusting slurping noises) Minty.
Chase: You know, some people do that with their mouth closed.
Perry: 'Cause they don't know how to get the flavor out. Get used to it, I'm gonna be here all summer long. (starts to choke on mint)
Bree: Guys, she's choking!
Adam: Leo, you know CPR. Give her mouth-to-mouth!
Leo: You don't give someone who's choking CPR, you give them the Heimlich.
Adam: Oh, I know how to do that. Get up.
(Adam helps Perry to her feet and starts giving her the Heimlich. Perry spits out the mint and it lands in Leo's mouth, and he starts gasping)
Chase: Did that just go in your--?
Leo: (frantically) Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Perry: It's okay! I know mouth-to-mouth!
Leo: Ooh, no! No! No! No!
(Perry starts to chase Leo around the room, while Leo gasps for air)