This is a complete transcript of the episode Leo vs. Evil.


Leo: Chase, there's no way you can beat Adam arm-wrestling. It'd be like a chicken wrestling an alligator. All we hear is a cock-a-doodle crunch.

Adam: He's right, bro. Your spaghetti arms are no match for these meatballs. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Chase: Hey... When you're done kissing your girlfriends, let's do this.

Bree: Better back up, Leo. You're in the splatter zone.

Leo: Okay, I want a clean match. No whining, screaming, crying, or tap-outs. I'm looking at you Chase. Three, two, one, go! 

( slurps ) 

Adam: Ugh! Hey! No fair! He licked his hand!

Chase: Exactly. Clever beats strong any day.

Leo: Chase wins. Wait, which hand did you lick?

Chase: That one.

Leo: Mmm. Chase wins.

Marcus: Hey guys, how's it going?

Leo: Ooh, bundle up, everyone. It just got partly creepy with a hundred percent chance of annoying.

Adam: Oof. Am I gonna need my umbrella for that?

Marcus: So, you guys wanna hang out at my house after school? We just got a sick new flat screen.

Leo: Is it as sick as you make me? 'Cause that'd be pretty sick.

Chase: We'd love to hang out today.

Leo: Chase is too polite to say it, so I'll say it for him. You're a lunatic, and we're leaving.

( groans )

Bree: Leo!

Adam: Leo, come on.

Chase: Leo, I was not gonna say that at all.

Leo: Yeah, and we're walking. Go. Go on. Go. Out. Nice try. See you later, captain eyebrow. What the...? How did you...?

Marcus: Chase isn't the only one who can move things with his mind.

Leo: Help! Somebody! I'm trapped! Principal Perry?! Who am I kidding? She's not here. It's five-cent-rib night at the Buffalo Barn.

Marcus: Looks like it's just you and me, Leo. Man, it is fun to mess with you when you can't tell anyone I'm bionic.

Leo: Yeah, it's a real party over here, too. I should just turn you in.

Marcus: Go ahead. Then I'll expose Adam, Bree, and Chase's bionics and the government will swoop in and take them away.

Leo: Not if I turn you in first.

( yells )

Marcus: You are gonna keep your mouth shut. Or next time... I won't miss.

Leo: Voice log, Monday, 3:23 PM. Gathering evidence on subject Marcus. And I will not give up until I prove once and for all that--

( musical ringtone plays )

Leo: Hello? Oh, hey Mom. Yeah-- can I call you back? Thanks. All right. I love you, too. Bye. That Marcus is evil and always has been!

. . .

Donald: Behold the invention the will revolutionize travel: The Davenport Industries Teleporter!

Adam: Don't you mean the "Tele-Davenport-er"? Oh, come on. I wanna be the clever one around here for once.

Bree: Yeah. And I want a convertible made out of diamonds. But that's not gonna happen, either.

Donald: ( altering voice ) I can't wait any longer. Please tell us about your amazing invention. ( normal voice ) Don't mind if I do. My teleporter can transport any object anywhere. It deconstructs it molecule by molecule here, and then, via my network of GPS satellites, reconstructs it anywhere on the planet, instantaneously.

Chase: So... wait... does this mean that we could go surfing in Hawaii after school and still be home in time for dinner?

( stammers )

Donald: Technically, yes. Uh, but I haven't tested it on a human yet. So there is a small chance only that your forehead and parts of your esophagus would make it back in time for dinner.

Adam: All I'm hearing is more meatloaf for daddy.

Donald: That's why I wanna test it on an inanimate object first. So I'll be right back.

Chase: Whoa, this thing can put me anywhere on Earth in a nanosecond. Faster than you Bree! Ha!

Bree: Whatever. You'll still be ugly when you get there.

Adam: Ooh. Uh, super-speed, party of one. Your table is dumb. Oh, come on! That was clever.

( beeping )

Bree: Hey. Meatballs. You just turned it on. Back off so I can shut it down.

Chase: ( grunts ) Step aside. I got this.

Bree: Uh-- You got nothing. Move over.

Adam: I think you have to spin this thing.

Tasha: Hey, guys, I'm going to the market. Anybody need anything?

Adam: Ooh! Cereal! Well, that was rude.

Chase: What? You just...? Y-You spun that thing so fast, Adam, that we've got no clue where Tasha got teleported to.

Bree: She has to be in there somewhere. She couldn't have gone far, right?

Adam: Oh, guys, calm down! There's a simple solution to this. Does anyone know what it is?

Bree: Wh-- If what I think just happened, just happened, we are gonna be in so much trouble.

Chase: Guys, I think we just vaporized Tasha.

Eddy: But I didn't even get to say "good-bye." Oh, well. Whoo-hoo! ( laughing )

( dance music plays )

Eddy: Whoo! Shake your booty!

. . .

Marcus: Yes, dad. Everything is under control. Yes, I took out the trash. Yes, I set the DVR to record Funeral Mishaps.

Leo: Suspect is still on the phone with a man called... "Daddy." Also, note to self, record Funeral Mishaps.

( beeping )

Leo: ( high-pitched ) Suspect has a morphing wall! I mean... ( clears throat ) ( deep voice ) Suspect has a morphing wall.

. . .

Bree: How could you drool-buckets have lost Tasha in the teleporter?

Chase: Us? You were the one getting grabby with the controls.

Bree: ( scoffs ) And Adam is the one who spun the globe, so we have no idea where Tasha is.

Adam: Me?! Oh, wait. Yep, that was me. ( chuckles )

Bree: We need to tell Davenport.

Chase: Oh, oh, tell him what? "Sorry... we messed with your machine and lost your wife"?

Eddy: No! Let me give him the good news.

Bree: Leo is gonna freak.

Adam: Not if he doesn't know Tasha's gone. We'll get Chase a wig and a skirt. This could work, people.

Bree: ( whispering ) Stop it.

Donald Hey, guys.

( all yell )

Chase: Uh, hey. Mr. Davenport... Quick question. Um... You've tested the teleporter's ability to return something, right?

Donald: ( laughs ) Not yet. But we're about to. Okay. I'm gonna set the teleporter for ten feet away. Mm-hmm. Yeah. ( chuckles ) Okay. Get ready, 'cause this is gonna be teleport-ific! What? They can't all be winners.

Bree: Have you ever had a winner?

( laughs )

Donald: Wow! A scientific breakthrough! Have you ever seen anything this amazing in all your life?!

Adam: Neat.

Bree: Yep.

Chase: Hooray. Get on with it.

Donald: Oh. All right. Now... we bring it back. Whoopsie. ( laughs ) I guess I have a few bugs to work out on the "Return" function. But... you know... Least I didn't throw a human in there. That would've been stupid. ( laughs )

Chase: This is awful.

Adam: I know. I loved that chair. I did some of my best sitting in it.

Chase: How are we gonna bring Tasha back here safely?

Adam: Ooh! I have an idea.

Chase: Adam, this is a complex situation. We'll call you if we need you to lift anything heavy. Even if we locate Tasha, we need to bring her back here safely without turning her into... that.

Eddy: I see no downside.

. . .

Marcus: Dad, it is gonna be so epic when I capture Adam, Bree, and Chase. Fine, when we capture them. Just like when we forgot my birthday. Oh, I'm sorry. Are you angry or are we angry?

Leo: What is this place?

( beep )

Leo: I'm in some sort of weird underground lair beneath Marcus's house. It's incredibly grim and smells like sewer water and... sweaty dudes. What the...? Aha! Photographic evidence that Marcus knows about your bionics and wants to capture you.

( clicking )

Leo: Bam. Evil lair. Bam. Marcus's capsule. Bam. Marcus. MARCUS?!

. . .

Marcus: You shouldn't have come here, Leo.

Leo: I couldn't agree more. Where's the exit?

Marcus: Oh, no. You are not going anywhere. You've seen too much.

Leo: What do you want with Adam, Bree, and Chase?

Marcus: You won't be around to find out. Say hello to our remote-controlled home-security system.

( beeps )

Leo: Well that looks effective. What's it scanning for? Dust bunnies?

( beeps )

Leo: How big are your dust bunnies?!

. . .

Bree: This is useless. We need to tell Mr. Davenport that Tasha is gone.

Chase: No! I can fix this. I just uploaded a software update.

Adam: Hey... Nobody told me we were racing fruit. I'm getting my kiwis. Get ready, boys. It's showtime.

Chase: Stop. We're not racing fruit. No one races fruit! We're testing my teleporter fix, which is now good to go.

Adam: Well, if it's "good to go," why not just test it on Tasha?

Chase: Because... in the highly unlikely event that it doesn't work, I don't want Tasha coming back here with her head on her hip and her leg in her mouth.

Adam: Really? Not even just to see it?

( beeping )

Chase: And now I'll hit "Return To Origin."

( beeping )

Chase: Voila.

( squeals )

Adam: Is "voila" French for "fail," or am I not understanding this complex situation?

. . .

( Leo screaming )

Marcus: You're quicker than I thought. Good thing I added this.

( beeps )

( screaming )

Leo: Oh! Okay!

( screaming )

Leo: Aha. I have a weapon, now, too.

Marcus: That's a stapler.

Leo: So it is.

Marcus: Just kidding. It's a ray gun.

Leo: Dang it!

( laser zapping )

( screaming )

. . .

Chase: I can't believe this. I thought for sure my software update would work!

Bree: Hmm. Does that look like it worked?

Donald: I know these handlebars. Did you just try to teleport my one-of-a-kind prototype, Hybrid A.T.V.?

Chase: No.

( stammers )

Chase: Maybe?

Donald: Mmm!

Chase: I'm just gonna go back to "no."

Donald: Mmm!

Adam: Wow. If he's this mad about his A.T.V., wait until he finds out we put Tasha through there.

Donald: What?! You put my wife through the teleporter?!

Adam: Enjoy it, dude. Take a day off.

Donald: Aah!

Bree: I'm sure she's fine... wherever... or whatever she is.

Chase: Yeah! We just have to figure out a way to get her back here without turning her into... Tasha tartare.

Donald: ( breathlessly ) Okay, okay. Let's not panic. I'm sure one of my software patches can fix this.

Chase: I've already tried them all. None of them worked.

( shrieks )

( gasping )

Adam: You know, I had a simple solution.

Donald: Simple solution. Um, Adam... you remember the time we locked the keys in the car, and it took us three hours to get them out?

Adam: Yeah.

Donald: You were inside the car!

( muttering, whimpering )

Donald: Aah!

. . .

Marcus: Game over, Leo. You're no match for my robot's awesome physical strength.

Leo: Well... yeah. I am no match for his strength. But just remember, you didn't beat me. This thing did.

Marcus: Please. I could pulverize you.

Leo: ( chuckles ) Yeah. I'd like to see you try.

Marcus: Not smart, Leo. The robot would've been quick and painless compared to what I'm gonna do to you.

Leo: Okay, tough guy. But if I win, you have to let me go. Deal?

Marcus: ( scoffs ) Yeah. Deal.

( beeping )

( grunts )

Leo: Let's shake on it.

( slurps )

Marcus: Ew! Why would you do that?

Leo: Because I'm clever, and clever beats strong any day.

( beeping )

Leo: But clever would really like to take a look at this thing's owner's manual.

( beeping )

Marcus: Oh, man! That was my dad's favorite toy! There goes pizza night. This is all your fault, Leo!

( yells )

. . .

Chase: Okay, this is our last possible fix.

Donald: If this doesn't work... I don't even wanna say it.

Eddy: Say it. Say it.

Donald: Okay, fingers crossed. This brings Tasha back in three... two... Why isn't it working?!

Tasha: Because I'm right here.

Eddy: Ew, she's hideously deformed! Look away! Look away!

( imitates buzzer )

Bree: Oh, don't hug her too hard. Her guts might come squishing out.

Donald: What happened? Where were you?

Tasha: 200 miles away in Fresno. Thankfully, Adam was smart enough to call my cell phone and tell me you guys accidentally teleplanted me.

Donald: Well, it's-- it's-- it's "teleported."

Tasha: Tele-someone-who-cares. I'm just glad he called me before my cell phone died... since, obviously, no one else thought of that.

Adam: I figured if Tasha didn't return through the teleporter, she couldn't end up back here in a big, steaming pile of mom. So, I called. Told her to take the bus home.

Tasha: Which I did. And it was weird. The guy sitting next to me was wearing a tank top.

Donald: Why was that weird?

Tasha: Just a tank top.

Adam: Told you I had a simple solution.

Chase: Adam... we may have said some things earlier...

Adam: Duh. You say things every day. Could you narrow it down?

Donald: What he's trying to say is, "we owe you an apology."

Adam: I'm sorry. A what?

Chase: An apology. So I guess I'll start off by saying... that I... am--

Leo: I'm back!

Chase: Oh, thank you!

Leo: Right here, on my phone, I have undeniable proof that Marcus is-- Where'd my phone just go?

Donald: Honolulu. ( chuckles ) But we can bring it back... right here.

( beeping )

Leo: ( screaming ) No! ( Leo whimpering ) But it had evidence.

Donald: Yeah. Bus was a good call.

. . .

Leo: You guys don't understand. This barbecue had a touch pad in it.

Donald: ( chuckles ) Leo... are you sure you weren't at the A.T.M. outside the Chicken Shack?

Leo: Don't you take that "Leo's got a wild imagination" tone with me. The touch pad controlled that dissolving wall.

Chase: Oh, right. And then all the little elves came out and did a moon dance around the bonfire.

Leo: I'm telling the truth.

Bree: I believe you, Leo. I also believe that we, as a family, are going to get you the help you so desperately need.

Leo: You guys don't understand! Marcus and his father have a secret lair!

Adam Okay, guys, are we roasting weenies or not?!

Chase: Come on, guys. Let's go.

Leo: Don't leave. I'm telling the truth!

. . .

Marcus: Okay, I know. I messed up. But I can fix this.

Shadowy Figure: No. You let him get too close! It's time I take matters into my own hands. I hope they enjoy their night together. It's gonna be their last.

( chuckling )

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