This is a complete transcript of the episode Speed Trapped.


Chase: Tonight's the night! The new frozen yogurt shop is opening! Fifty-two flavors, and four of them are sugar-free. Oh, who are you kidding? You passed out the first time you discovered nail polish.

Adam: I've heard of those yogurt places. They get you by charging extra for toppings. So, I'm bringing my own. You don't even wanna know what's in my pants. Aah! Ooh! Hot butterscotch! Ooh!

Donald: Sorry, you guys are coming home straight after school. So no flavors, no froyo, no hanging with the bros, peeps, and homies.

Bree: "Bros, peeps, and homies?" Don't. Just... no.

Leo: What's got you so grouchy? They run out of human footstools at the rich-guy club?

Donald: Did you forget your little buddy Marcus found the lab yesterday? He could've discovered our bionic secret.

Bree: Oh! Okay, so it's our fault that your million-dollar smart home system didn't stop him?

Eddy: Don't go there, supergirl. I was getting my beauty sleep. Something you might want to look into.

Donald: Look, it doesn't matter whose fault it was, even though someone was supposed to be watching him.

Leo: Well, technically someone pulled Leo away, letting Marcus roam free.

Adam: Guys, I think you're talking about each other.

Donald: Bottom line, I am keeping a tighter leash on you three. And Leo, because I can't always be there, you have to step it up and do a better job of watching out for them.

Leo: No problem, Big D. I may have let one goon get too close, but I won't let any more Marcuses slip through the cracks. From now on you can call me the enforcer!

. . .

Marcus: Leo's the enforcer? ( scoffs ) Capturing Adam, Bree and Chase is gonna be easier than I thought.

. . .

Leo: The hammer is down, people. No more talking to boys, no more talking to girls, no more helping old ladies to their cars!

Chase: I was helping your grandmother.

Leo: Trust no one!

Donald: It's here! It's here! It's here! It's here! It's here! It's here!

Bree: What? What is it?

Eddy: Whatever it is, I hope it came with a big box of masculinity, 'cause I never want to see that again.

Donald: Just come here!

( all chuckle )

( chuckles )

Donald: Meet the world's first self-driving car, designed by yours truly. That's right, just when you thought I couldn't get more awesome, boom! I got more awesome!

Bree: And, boom! I still want to be dropped off a block away from school.

Leo: So how does this thing drive itself?

Donald: Oh, well, uh, see this panel on top? It receives a satellite signal and sends all the pertinent information to the car's on-board computer and voila, it drives itself! Hey, did I mention, by the way, that this car goes 200 miles an hour? No? That's because it goes 300!

( beeps, engine starts )

Car: Good evening, Donald. Would you like to take a ride?

Leo: She sounds classy.

Tasha: Guys, what are you doing? You're gonna be late for school! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! What is this? Donald, is this my anniversary present?! ( gasps ) This is too much! You shouldn't have!

Donald: ( chuckles ) I didn't. Uh, your gift is a lot less expensive. But, uh, just as romantic.

Eddy: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Today is the five year anniversary of my activation and he's spending it with me!

Donald: Oh, I'm sorry, Eddy, I completely forgot.

Tasha: Donald, if you even consider spending our anniversary with that deranged emoticon, it's gonna get ugly around here.

Eddy: Well, if anyone knows ugly--

Donald: Eddy! Don't worry, honey, this night is all about you. As a matter of fact, I have prepared a special anniversary dinner myself.

Eddy & Tasha: Thank you!

Donald: I was talking to my wife.

. . .

Adam: Becky, loving the new tee!

Leo: Sorry, Becky, Adam can't talk right now. He has a horrible disease. You'd better jet before his flesh starts eating itself.

Bree: Leo, you are taking this "enforcer" thing way too far.

Leo: I have no idea what you're talking about. Hey.

( beeping )

Leo: You're good.

Marcus: Hey guys! What's up?

Leo: I'll tell you what's up, your time here. Get lost, creepy.

( beeps )

Marcus: Silly, Leo. So, guys, are you excited for the new frozen yogurt shop? They're giving out unlimited toppings. Principal Perry's been camped out for a week.

Adam: Wha-- Unlimited toppings? Somebody could've told me that before I filled my socks up with gummy frogs.

Leo: Stranger danger.

Chase: Uh, sorry, Marcus, we can't go.

Bree: Uh, we have chores to do.

Adam: No we don't. We have an uptight dad who's afraid we'll reveal our secret-- recipe for chili. Ooh, that works. Let's go!

. . .

Bree: Ugh, everybody from school is checking in at the yogurt shop! Even Susie Reynolds, and she's lactose intolerant.

Donald: Guys, I need your help to make Tasha's dinner tonight extra-special.

Adam: Yeah, sure. What can we do?

Donald: Stay far, far away.

( phone beeps )

Chase: ( sighs ) I knew we should have gone to the grand opening with Marcus! He just texted me and said that principal Perry is shotgunning tutti-fruity straight from the dispenser!

Bree: We are missing the biggest social event of the year. Let's just go!

Chase: We can't. Mr. Davenport wants us here.

Adam: No, Mr. Davenport wants us far, far away. And the yogurt shop is far, far away.

Chase: Your razor-thin logic works for me!

Bree: Wait, wait, wait, wait! What about Leo?

Chase: Marcus said not to invite him and he's right. We just have to be quick.

Adam: You know what else is quick? Davenport's car.

Chase: Are you crazy? Mr. Davenport would kill us if he knew we drove his car.

Bree: Yes, but we wouldn't be driving his car, it drives itself. Boom!

Adam: Can't argue with that!

. . .

Donald: Honey, before our dinner tonight, I have a special treat for you. It's a slide show of our first year together. Showtime, Eddy!

Eddy: Okay, here you are after your wedding.

Tasha: Aw, such a special day.

Eddy: Not for me. I was home alone talking to the lamp. Ooh, this picture's even better.

Tasha: Eddy, you took my face off the picture!

Eddy: Fine, I'll put it back!

Donald: Eddy!

Eddy: Hey, just be glad I didn't put it on the other end. Ooh, here's my personal favorite, Tasha waking up in the morning.

Donald: Ignore him, ignore him. Let's just have some dinner. Let's just... ( chuckles ) yeah. Nice anniversary dinner. Oh, be right back in a second.

Tasha: Donald, I'm a little warm. Can you cool it off?

Eddy: I'm on it!

Donald: Aah! Eddy, what did you do?

Eddy: ( chuckles ) I froze the turkey!

. . .

Marcus: This thing is awesome!

Chase: Yeah, you just say any destination and it automatically takes you there.

Bree: Yet no matter how many times I tell it, "take me to a better life," here I am.

Adam: And get this, it even has a compartment for you gloves!

Marcus: So, guys, the line looks pretty long! Maybe we should just cruise this thing over to my house.

Leo: Hold it! ( panting ) Eddy told me you guys snuck out. You're all coming with me!

Bree: No, we're not.

Leo: Oh, yes, you are!

Chase: You can't tell us what to do.

Adam: Yeah, you're not the boss of us. What, did you run over here?

Leo: Yes, because...

( all arguing )

( beeps )

Car: Please enter a destination.

Marcus: Bottom of the Pacific Ocean. And override manual braking.

Car: I'm sorry, manual braking cannot be overridden.

( beeps )

Car: Manual braking overridden. Destination accepted. Waiting for door to close.

Marcus: Good thing I sprung for the underwater camera.

Leo: All of you are getting in the car, right now!

( all arguing )

Leo: Okay, I'm warning you. Do not make me call for backup. Because I do not have any backup.

Marcus: Guys, Leo's right. I don't want you to get in trouble. Maybe you should go home. But at least grab some yogurt before you go. I'll watch the car.

Leo: No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I see what you're doing. You're not gonna lay one slimy little finger on this car. Beat it, eyebrows!

Car: Door closed. Acquiring fastest route to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

Leo: Bottom of the what?! Help, help, help!

Car: Safety locks engaged.

Leo: Help, help!

Car: Departing in three, two, one.

Leo: Aah!

Marcus: I'm gonna miss that little guy. ( chuckles ) No, I'm not.

. . .

Leo: Stop!

Car: Your final destination is the bottom of the pacific ocean and cannot be overridden. Would you like to hear some music until we arrive?

Leo: No!

Car: You said "disco."

( disco music playing )

Leo: No!

Bree: Um, where's Leo?

Chase: More importantly, where's the car?

Adam: Even more importantly, where are the napkins?

Marcus: Leo probably went for a joyride. I'll just call my dad to pick us up. He's been dying to meet you guys.

( phone beeps )

Bree: It's Leo.

( phone beeps )

Bree: Leo, where are you?

Leo: I'm trapped in the car speeding towards the bottom of the ocean! Do something or the next time you see me I'm gonna be a fish stick!

( phone beeps )

Bree: Guys, Leo's in trouble. We have to go help him. Sorry, Marcus, we gotta go.

Marcus: Wait, you can't go yet! We haven't taken a picture with the froyo-a-go-go dodo!

Adam: Oh, right!

( camera shutter clicks )

Adam: Now we're good.

. . .

Adam: Hey, Leo, the left pedal is called a brake. Take your foot and step on it!

Leo: Don't you think I would have tried that already?!

Adam: Hey, if you can't be polite, this conversation is over.

( sighs )

Chase: Leo, I'll use your cell signal to locate the car with my bionic GPS.

( beeping )

Chase: Got him. Taylor Avenue at 28th.

Bree: I'll use my super-speed to catch up to the car and pull him out.

. . .

Leo: Aah!

Bree: Open the door!

Leo: I can't!

Car: The child safety lock is always engaged for passengers under the age of nine.

Leo: I'm 14!

Car: You are very small for your age.

Bree: Look for the emergency brake!

Leo: Maybe this is it!

Car: Turbo-booster engaged.

Bree: Aah!

Leo: That wasn't it!

. . .

Chase: What happened to you?

Bree: You know those signs that say "Deer Crossing"? They don't lie. I don't know how we're gonna stop that car.

Adam: What, you don't think the ocean's gonna stop it?

Chase: If the car is being driven by an internal computer system, maybe I can tap into it remotely and shut it down. Hang on, Leo, I'm gonna try something.

( beeping )

( horn honking )

( radio static )

Leo: Well, Chase, you completed the 14-point maintenance checklist. Now all we need is an oil change and we're good to go!

. . .

Donald: Tasha... Eddy would like to apologize. Go ahead, Eddy.

Eddy: I just wanna say I'm very s-s-s-s-s-so-so...

Tasha: Are you faking a malfunction? He is faking a malfunction!

Donald: Eddy!

Eddy: Okay, okay! I'm sorry.

Tasha: Thank you.

Eddy: Sorry you live here. Ha!

Donald: That's it. I'm going to the lab to shut you down.

Eddy: No, no! Please! Tasha, honey, baby, you gotta help me! I'll give you anything you want!

Tasha: I want total control of your mute button.

Eddy: Fine.

Tasha: And I want you to stop taunting my book club.

Eddy: Fine! Then you better tell the creepy little one to stop pushing my buttons!

Tasha: And no more calling animal control reporting a wild bear roaming the kitchen!

Eddy: To be fair, you had your snout pretty deep in that salmon. Okay, you've got a deal!

Tasha: Great. Then I will tell him not to shut you off.

Eddy: Thank you!

Tasha: Starting tomorrow.

Eddy: What? No! You tricked me! Your book club is stupid...

Tasha: Happy anniversary to me. I wonder if there's any salmon left.

. . .

Chase: Okay, the car won't let me tap into its CPU, but what if there was a way for me to block its satellite signal?

Bree: But is your force field powerful enough?

Chase: Well, yeah, but I'd have to surround the entire car, which is miles away and moving fast. I could never throw that far.

Adam: You can't, but I can!

Chase: Yes, you can! If I can calculate the distance, arc and force necessary to launch, I can guide your arm and use your strength to hurl the force field at the car.

Adam: Ah, so it's like a bionic-bro combo! A bro-motion! A bro-tation! A super bionic bro-chacho--

Bree: Just do it already!

Leo: Hurry, hurry!

Chase: Okay, we've only got one chance! You gotta think of it like a basketball. We're shooting a full-court shot across 98 courts that are moving at 125 miles per hour.

Adam: Yeah, numbers, numbers, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Just tell me what I'm chucking.

Car: Fifteen seconds to destination.

Leo: Guys, I'm sorry. You're trying to rescue me when I'm supposed to be protecting you. I guess I wasn't a very good enforcer.

Adam: No, you weren't.

Chase: Just get ready. Get on your knees.

( sighs )

Car: Destination approaching.

( beeping )

Chase: Perfect. All right. Three, two, one, now!

( camera shutter clicks )

Bree: I don't know what that was, but it's going on my profile page.

Chase: Let's see if it worked.

( beeping )

Car: Five seconds to destination. Four, three, two...

( tires screech )

( grunts )

Car: Signal interrupted. Braking system engaged.

Chase: It worked! The car stopped!

Adam: Yeah!

Leo: Ah! Ah-ha! Ah! ( chuckles )

Marcus: No!

Car: Thank you for driving a Davenport super car. Would you care to participate in a short survey about your experience?

Leo: No!

Car: Question number one--

Leo: Let me out! Let me out!

. . .

( both exhale deeply )

Leo: You guys may have saved my life, but you also almost ended it. So you're not off the hook. I'm gonna be on you like yogurt on Adam's shirt.

Adam: Hmm. That is not yogurt.

Donald: Hey! Do you guys have any idea how much trouble you're in? I told you, three feet away at all times, and no breathing on the windows!

Adam: ( chuckles ) Sorry.

. . .

( doorbell rings )

Leo: Oh, hey. Perhaps I haven't made this clear, but I don't like you.

Marcus: Leo, I am so happy you're home safe! I can't believe almost ended up at the bottom of the ocean!

Leo: Wait, how did you know where the car was set to go?

Marcus: I didn't?

Leo: Wait a minute. You sabotaged me! You programmed that car! I'm gonna tell Davenport!

(Marcus shoots the laser beam towards Leo)

Marcus: I wouldn't do that if I were you. That was a warning shot. (Nods his head) Next one won't be.

Leo: You? With-th--

Marcus: Surprise! I'm bionic, just like Adam, Bree and Chase.

(Walks towards Leo)

Leo: And you know about-- Okay, you are just droppin' bombs everywhere, man!

Marcus: You tell anyone and the whole world will know about your family's little secret.

(Leo backs up)

Adam, Bree and Chase will be taken away. Davenport would be ruined forever. ( scoffs ) You know, I'd hate to see your family torn apart because of your big mouth.

(Marcus glows his eyes with heat vision)

Chase: Hey, Marcus. What's up?

Marcus: Oh, hey, guys. I just stopped by to make sure Leo was okay.

Adam: How sweet is this guy?

Bree: You okay, Leo?

Chase: Leo, you good?

Leo: Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.

. . .

Adam: Guys, you forgot to gas up Davenport's car! Luckily I was smart enough to fill it up with the gas can in the garage.

Chase: Adam, it's an electric car.

Adam: Mm-hmm.

Chase: It doesn't take gas! One spark and that thing could--

Bree: Oh, boy.

Donald: Hey, guys, I'm gonna go for a drive.

All: No!

Donald: Aah!

Adam: Well, at least he doesn't know we drove it.

Donald: Aah!

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