This is a complete transcript of the episode Spike's Got Talent.


Chase: Did you guys see the yearbook? Everybody but me got a "Most likely to..." even Leo!

Leo: What? Let me see that. "Most likely never to get a 'most likely.'" I'm on the board!

Chase: Well, that proves it. I'm completely invisible at this school.

Adam: Chase, that's not true. If you were invisible, I couldn't do this.(punches Chase)

Chase: Uhh!

Bree: Chase, just because you weren't nominated doesn't mean you're invisible.

Chase: Oh, really? Yeah? What's this? "Chip Davenport". I'm a misnamed question mark!

Perry: Listen up, snot-buckets! Don't forget to sign up for the annual Mission Creek High talent show. Auditions are after school, and we'll be judged, by moi. Chances are that if I don't like you, you won't get through, and I don't like any of you, so good luck.

Owen: Talent shows are wrong! There are no winners or losers in creative expression.

Perry: (Scoffs)Stick a paintbrush in it, Emo Sabe!

Owen: I refuse to stand by while that woman crushes the artistic souls of our student body. I'm gonna go sketch my feelings!

Bree: He is so tortured. Isn't it great?

Leo: This talent show is the perfect opportunity for me to build my fan base.

Chase: Leo, you don't have a fan base.

Leo: I know. That's why I have to build one. With magic!

Chase: Well, that is what it would take.

Leo: No. I got a magic kit and I've been practicing, specifically for the competition.

Chase: A magic kit? Isn't that kind of lame?

Leo: There is nothing lame about buying something off the Internet to make friends. Hello, ladies. Would you like to see a card trick? Okay, this is your card. Mm-hmm... Hey, what's that in your hair? Bam! See? Magic.

Chase: You know what my problem is? All of my talents are bionic, and I can't reveal them at school.

Leo: Aw. Bionic people problems.

Chase: Hey-- Give me those cards. Come on, gimme. Watch this. Hello, ladies. Pick a card, any card. Put it back in. Is this your card? This one? This one? This one? This one?

Leo: Boom. Magic.

. . .

( gargling/singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" )

( buzzer )

Perry: Next! Don't you spit that out! You swallow that disgusting performance!

Leo: Aha!

Perry: Ugh! Dooley. Next!

( buzzer )

Leo: Come on, give me a chance.

Perry: Ah, fine. Just get it over with.

Leo: Three solid steel rings pass right through each other to become interlocked. Locked solid, right? Hmm?

Perry: Ho ho ho!

( applause )

Perry: Wow! That wasn't awful! All right, you're in.

( ding )

Leo: Yes! For my next trick, I'll leave while I'm ahead.

Perry: What's your talent? Other than having my middle school haircut.

Chase: I am the smartest man to ever live.

( all scoffing, groaning )

Chase: Break out your online dictionaries, people-- I can spell any word.

Perry: I got one for ya: "snoozefest." Ha ha ha!

( all boo )

Perry: Next!

( buzzer )

Chase: No! No! I have another talent! I can do magic!

Leo: Oh, no, you can't.

Perry: Whoa-ho! Whoa!

( amazed laughter )

Perry: Ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Wow! That was amazing! 

( loud applause )

Perry: Dooley, you're out. Little Dutch boy, you're in!

Leo: Great job, Chase. Hey, maybe for your next trick you can remove this knife from my back!

. . .

Owen: I have to do something to protest Perry's talent show. Something that will take her and the entire establishment down!

Bree: Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Let's... storm the school!

Owen: Build a sculpture!

Bree: Of course. A sculpture. We are so in sync.

Owen: A sculpture will symbolize how authority suffocates creative expression. We can put it right in front of the entrance to the school where everyone will see it. The question is: What do we make it out of?

Bree: Uh, Ice?

Owen: No.

Bree: Clay?

Owen: Too obvious.

Bree: Plaster?

Owen: Really?

Adam: Butter?

Owen: What did you say?

Adam: Butter. Everything's better with butter.

( laughs )

Adam: Probably even your art.

Owen: Butter is the perfect substance. Milk is fluid, like creativity, but when you judge creativity, you beat it and churn it, until it becomes butter clogging the arteries of expression!

Adam: That was a lot of words.

Owen: Adam, you wanna help me make a sculpture out of butter?

Adam: I have been waiting for someone to ask me that my whole life.

Bree: Wait! But I-- I thought we were gonna... do something together!

( beep )

Eddy: I guess someone likes his art more than you!

Bree: Thanks, Eddy.

Eddy: And by "someone," I mean Owen. And by "you," I mean--

Bree: I get it!

. . .

Chase: Oh, yeah! Ooh! Yeah. Who's the man? I'm the man.

Leo: Hey! You abra'd my cadabra. You hocus'd by pocus. You ali'd my kazam.

Chase: I was being booed, and I panicked. What else was I supposed to do?

Leo: Suffer! You're supposed to suffer.

Chase: Leo, I finally found a way to look cool using my bionics, and people think it's magic. How could I not share my amazing gift with the world? You're welcome, world!(Blows air kisses) Magic.

Eddy: Wow! And I thought I was the biggest jerk in the room! He lapped me!

Leo: You know, if he didn't have his bionics, I would still have my place in the show.

Eddy: Yeah, if only there was something in the bottom of Davenport's desk drawer that you can use to manipulate his bionics. Bingo! Bionic signal interrupter!

Leo: So this thing will interrupt Chase's bionics in the middle of his act?

Eddy: You betcha! Oh, and if you flip it over, it will also shave a cat.

. . .

Owen: Bree, your brother and I are so in sync. I can't wait to show you what we've created together.

Adam: Da-ta!

Bree: I love it. You really, uh... it's almost like a-- Okay, what is that?

Owen: It's Principal Perry. She represents everything that's wrong with society. Totalitarianism and triglycerides; Perry and butter.

Adam: I rubbed a pancake on her.

Owen: Hey, you know what she needs?

Adam: Big honkin' glasses!

Owen: Yes! You get me. Come on, let's go make something.

Bree: Wait. He gets you? He's baffled by a tissue box.

Adam: How does one know when the other one's gone? It just pops right up.

Bree: That's it. Eddy, crank up the heat-- full blast.

Eddy: But if I do, it'll melt the butter sculpture, and that would be... awesome!!!

. . .

Perry: Okay, next up we have the amazing Chase, the only magician whose magic wand is bigger than he is!

( drum roll )

( upbeat techno music playing )

Chase: Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen! For my first trick, I will move that chair... with my mind.

( thunder crashes )

Leo: Let's see how amazing Chase is now.

( remote control beeping )

Chase: And... hmm!

Perry: Bor-ing! Bring out the girl who looks eerily similar to a giraffe!

Chase: I don't know what happened!

Perry: I do: You stink. Get off the stage before you incur the wrath of my rotten tomatoes.

( all boo )

Chase: No, no, no, no! Please! I can do it! I really can.

( grunting )

( all laughing )

Perry: (snickering) This is awful!

( distorted, slow-motion laughter )

( laughter continues )

( beeping, whirring )

Spike: Grrr! ( distorted ) Hey!!! You want to see me move that chair with my head?

Leo: (Nervously)I hope he's doing an impression, 'cause that voice sounds an awful lot like Spike.

( growling, roaring )

Perry: Wow! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Leo: Yep, that's Spike.

( applause )

. . .

( growling )

Perry: Well, there's a fine line between entertaining and disturbing, and... I think we've crossed it. So let's take a brief intermission.

( growling )

Leo: Hi. Um, Spike, I was wondering if you could chill out and let weak little Chase pop back out before... Principal Perry--

Spike: I don't want to chill out! I want to rip out someone's spine and use it as a pogo stick!

Leo: Or... we could picture a nice, tranquil forest filled with leaping gazelles, while you... have a nice cup of soothing tea.

( growling, roaring )

Spike: Tasty!

Chase: Leo, what just happened?

Leo: I... might have disabled your molecular kinesis, but I only did it because you cheated first, so there, we're even. More tea?

Chase: Leo, you made me nervous and triggered my Commando App. You turned me into Spike!

Leo: Yeah, well, now you're back to good ol' nerdy Chase. So let this be a lesson: No one steals from the magic man.

( beeping, whirring )

Spike: ( distorted ) What'd you say to me, fruit fly?!

( growling )

Leo: (quavery) Hey... look, everybody. Spike's back.

. . .

Adam: ( gasps ) Butter Perry escaped! You check the bus station, I'll check the pancake house!

Bree: (mock innocent) Oh, no. What happened?

Owen: I don't get it. Butter doesn't melt at room temperature. And we can't rebuild it in time for the talent show.

Bree: Hmm. Tragic. Oh, well, let's go see a movie. Come on.

Eddy: Slow your roll, shirley! Check out this movie!

Bree: Eddy, crank up the heat-- full blast.

Owen: Bree, how could you?

Bree: I'm sorry, but you were spending so much time with Adam, I just got jealous.

Owen: So you purposely sabotaged me? I'm gonna go sketch my disappointment.

Adam: When he's done, I'm hanging it up on the fridge.

. . .

( Spike growling, roaring )

Spike: Goody. I love it when all the easy targets are gathered in one place.

Leo: There you are. I hope this signal interrupter works on Spike, too.

( beeping, whirring )

( roaring )

Spike: Twirl that, princess!

Leo: Come on, you piece of junk!

( roaring )

Leo: Aaah!!! It's like this thing is amplifying Spike's bionic aggression instead of interrupting-- Oh.

( roaring )

Leo: Save a cup, save the planet!

. . .

Bree: Owen's not returning my calls. How am I gonna make this up to him?

Adam: Look, the damage is done. Bree. Unless you have 28 pounds of delicious popcorn to soak up his butter art.

Bree: Yes!

Adam: You do?

Bree: No. I mean, what if we build Owen a new protest statue?

Adam: How?

( whooshing )

Bree: With 28 pounds of popcorn.

Adam: Sweet!

Bree: But how are we ever gonna pop it all before the talent show ends?

Adam: Oh, I got this.

( popcorn popping )

Bree: That'll work.

. . .

Owen: Hey, Bree. This better be important. I was in the middle of doodling my pain away.

Bree: Owen, I know you're mad at me, but hopefully this gigantic waste of popcorn makes it up to you. Adam! Stop licking Principal Perry!

Adam: I can't help it! She's salty.

Bree: I'm really sorry that I melted your butter sculpture.

Owen: Her eyes! They're so beautiful! It's like they're staring deep into my soul.

Adam: They're cookies.

Owen: I was so upset. But... this gesture is making my heart melt like...

Adam: Butter?

Bree & Owen: No!

. . .

( roaring )

( crashing )

Spike: (laughing)That's what I call a slam punk!

( crashing continues )

Leo: Nice Spike. Good Spike. Sit! Spike, sit!

( roars )

Leo: Oh, hey. Did I mention Spike's back?

Perry: Oh! I smell butter! Who is responsible for this?

Owen: I am!

Perry: I love it! The talent show is over! We have a winner!

Owen: No!!!

( roaring )

Perry: No!!! How dare you destroy the Mona Lisa that was my popcorn bust?!

( spits )

Spike: What are you gonna do about it, shoulder pads?

Perry: Easy, butch. Your mouth is writin' a check that you can't cash.

Spike: Oh, yeah? Well, Santa called-- he wants to know if you'll be making toys this year!

Perry: (baby talk) Why bother makin' a dolly when I have my own right here?

Spike: Ooh! That's a funny joke. Where'd you get it from, your cat's litter box?

Perry: Nobody talks about my cats! You're goin' down! Back when I was in the Tijuana Ladies Wrestling League, they called me La Rosa Bonita!

( roars )

Perry: And watch out, because I have... thorns!

Spike: All right, kitty cat! Ready to tango?

Perry: Must... protect... my... students! Prepare to be subdued!

( both grunting )

Perry: Come on. Come here.

( Spike growling )

Perry: Waaa! Come on. Come on. Come on.

( onlookers gasp )

Adam: Get him, Perry!

Perry: Whoa...!

Spike: Ha ha ha ha!

Perry: Whoa!!!

Leo: Ah, here it comes... here it comes...

Perry: Aah!

Spike: Whoa!

( all groan )

Perry: Give it to me. Give it to me.

Adam: Whoo!

( applause )

Perry: Come on. Come on.

( whooshing )

Perry: Viva la Perry!!! Waaaaa!!!

Adam: Ohhh!!!

( grunting )

Perry: Ha!!!

Chase: Uhhh!!!

Perry: La Rosa Bonita! Aaah!

Chase: Why am I being smothered by a female Mexican wrestler in a pantsuit?!

Leo: I'll fill ya in later.

. . .

( mock whimpering )

( all laugh )

Chase: (sarcastic) Ha. ha.

Leo: Well, Chase, you finally got what you wanted. You are no longer invisible at this school. You'll forever be known as the kid who got pinned by Principal Perry.

Chase: Thank you, Leo.

Leo: Pinned like the butterfly on the science teacher's wall.

Chase: Gotcha, Leo.

Leo: Ya know, if being pinned was a talent, you would have won.

( roars )

( screams )

Leo: Spike! Spike!

Chase: Ahh. That little trick is gonna come in handy.

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